gazette no 80 December 2010

This is her song -

My name is Barbara and this is my song - the beginning and the end, and the end which has many beginnings.

I hear the birds, I feel the sunshine and the rain, I let the wind dance on my face, I taste what is beautiful and what is sour, I delight in every scent upon the blossom.

As a child, I laughed and cried, I played with friends, I lived in the bosom of family, I cast my own net and followed my dream. One day, the nightmare began, long, long ago. And then the descent.

I struggled, I hoped, I prayed. But the mind closed one fine day and I could see everyone from a darkened room, curtains pulled, and the walls closed in while others skipped in the park.

The trap was set and of my own making. Medication, they nodded in concert. Let the tablets do their work, let them provide the buffer between green trees and the very longest night. Let this be the regime, the way of life, the beginning and the end.

And my friends drew away, and I turned and ran because this room was my haven, my sanctuary, my hope, my life and death, my solitude, my contemplation.

I was quite alone.

Thoughts screamed in the induced slumber and more, and more, they plied me with a multitude of drugs, numbing the pain, separating me from control of myself, for who I am.

I am a human being. I am a woman.

Hear me cry when the door has closed, when a hand has waved goodbye, when there is silence, when there is only me and the doorway, and nothing but a blister-pack of sheer oblivion.

Is anything real now? Can I touch this beginning and end and the end which is the beginning?

Cruel doctors bless the medication, the chemicals that play with my head. Enough of these drugs will fix the problem, like a magician waving a wand. Take them by the mouthful and enjoy!

Does anyone listen?

No, only the one with the prescription pad and a scrawled signature. Write my life in pharmacist language! My life played out on a piece of paper. Easy that way. Time to forget and for them to forget me. The prescription absolves them of responsibility. So easy with a scribble, a phone call and then off they go to another cocktail party - “Daaarling, imagine us living like that!”

I am human and I am a person!

I am me!

There are some who hear me, who sit in the dark, in the filtered light, who care much, who watch, who need some certainty, as much as I do.

This is my song and it has only just begun!